Friday, 14 August 2009

Today's News, Tomorrow's Chip Paper

Read in Thursday's Berwick Advertiser:

Film star's love for Lindisfarne

Flyte-Tipping is thrilled to hear that Hollywood A-list celebrity, Milla Jovovich, loves to visit Lindisfarne. Apparently the actress, due to wed a Geordie, said on GMTV, "I love going up to Lindisfarne and Lumley Castle, and having fish 'n' chips."

Now THIS is the sort of secondhand reporting we've been waiting for! Did she actually say, "fish 'n' chips", like that, with a glottal stop and everything? I am curling my toes in delight at the thought! Finally reading The Berwick Advertiser has paid off, and any grumbles I may have had about the lack of news now seem churlish.

The Berwick Advertiser certainly doesn't lack ambition. I for one am secretly impressed that they can find so much to say on so little happening, which in itself is odd considering the area the paper covers (and it's no exaggeration to liken it to the entire land mass of Europe). Rumour has it that the editorial team run a weekly competition in the office; whoever reports the biggest non-event and gets away with it wins the fatty snack of their choice. If there's any justice in the world, this week's winner should be the Editor himself, Stuart Laundy, for this trivia gem:

New Bench
Ord Parish Council is to provide a new bench for the village.

It doesn't get ANY better than that! Parish newsletters are, pah, old hat! An announcement such as this demands nothing less than the regional press, dammit. Mr Laundy recognises this. Mr Laundy recognises that in these times of reality TV and instant celebrity, everybody's news is as important and fascinating as the next person's. This is a man truly in touch with the zeitgeist.

Flyte-Tipping is always further entertained by the letters page. Now, I was always taught that it's okay, even desirable, to edit letters for the sake of conciseness, clarity and/or brevity. But naturally the folk at The BAd don't want to hurt the feelings of their correspondents, so a letter from a Mr Pownall about being scammed two quid by a ticket machine was allowed to run. And, boy, did it run... to fifteen or so paragraphs.

Quite obviously Mr Pownall felt aggrieved, after all he could have been fined. He wasn't, but the key point here was that he could have been. We travelled with him on his emotional journey as he considered a horrifying alternate future. As you can imagine, Flyte-Tipping is on tenterhooks to find out if his £2 was reimbursed. Boo, hiss, dastardly Northumberland Council; hurrah Berwick Advertiser, mouthpiece of the voiceless miffed!

I feel privileged to have access to such a fine paper as The BAd (that's 'BAd' in a GOod way, innit). It's such an innocent. So, Mr Laundy, don't go changing to try and please me, I love you just the way you are.
And besides, now even Milla Jovovich knows that today's news is tomorrow's chip paper.


Betty Mann said...

I love your blog,writing, photos.
A blog of quality!

Chastity Flyte said...

Why, thank you, Madam. You've made me blush!