When is a Spastic Not a Spastic & Other Moral Dilemmas

A hot-potato discussion arose in the office of Flyte-Tipping first thing, which is a bit early for serious debate if I'm honest.  I had barely finished my  

when a colleague idly mused, "When is a spastic not a spastic?" 

Well, you can imagine.

Not really the ideal way to start a day. 

Turns out this wasn't the feed-line of some highly  inappropriate yet inevitably funny joke.  She genuinely wanted to know:

• When are conditions right to deploy the term 'spastic'?  

• Could we see a future where... er... physically challenged people would claim the term for themselves, much as 'niggah' has been embraced by...er... black people. 

• And if we were at a party and Stephen Hawking was there, how would we describe him to a friend who didn't know who he was?

I was, like, whoa! 

Heavy.

After much debate, we decided that:

• A spastic is clearly NOT a spastic when a) metal forms an integral part of a person's daywear; b) oxygen deprivation was evident at birth.  Because to be frank it's just a little bit naff.  Old hat.  Boring.  A bit like:   
  

• The term 'spastic' (see also: spack, spacker, spacktard n.; spasticated adj.) should only be deployed when facing someone who is currently demonstrating no higher-brain function whatsoever but still manages to hold down a job, run a home, and complete The Times crossword in under five.  (What Flyte-Tipping did find offensive was the term 'special needs'.  We felt there was an embarrassing element of singling-out involved.)

• Flyte-Tipping hopes the disabled community manages to resist adopting 'spastic' as a badge of honour.  Its time was in the 70s.  Let it go.
  

• How to identify a genius physicist in a room full of people?   I mean, he could be one of the crowd, just another bland, fade-into-the-wallpaper Joe Bloggs, right?  What distinguishing features would mark Stephen Hawking out from every other pissed-up party animal?

It was a puzzler that had us all scratching our heads.

"His lived-in look?"  proffered one.

"No," said another.  "It's gotta be his shoes.  I mean, look, guys.  Good.  As.  New."

"Might be difficult to spot in a party situation.  The lighting's always a bit down and dirr-tay."

"True."

"How about," I said, "and I'm just throwing things out there, how about describing him as the only guy in the room who looks like a Transformer?"

There was  a gasp. 

"You can't say that!" was the consensus.

Words, eh?  Funny old things.