What indeed, dear Blog Reader. But this is our mission in life, the limbs we must go out on, the gauntlets Flyte-Tipping must run so that you - cocooned in your cosy world of school stabbings and light pollution - can perhaps get a sense of the very real darkness from which the Scottish Borders is woven.
Flyte-Tipping went out last night. On a Wednesday.
Oh, yes, my friends. Mid-week carousing is a dangerous business: getting caught could lead to a frog-march down to the nearest Happit and being forced to sniff the flame retardant until proper remorse is shown. But here at Flyte-Tipping we kowtow to no-one - not the Neighbourhood Watch, not the Women's Institute, not the Cats Protection League, NO-ONE!
Which is how we found ourselves sipping a rather pert wine in the recently refurbished Stage Door Bar of The Maltings. Well, when we say refurbished, what we actually mean is a quick tart-up with a can of paint and the contents of a bring-and-buy sale. And it's great. It really is. See?
Linda Barker, erstwhile 'Changing Rooms' presenter was heard to comment only recently that the whole concept works "...really, really, well." And who is Flyte-Tipping to argue with one of the greatest arbiters of taste EVER to live?
So anyway, as we settled down to discuss on-the-brink trending topics, we couldn't help over-hearing the conversation of three women sitting behind us - especially once we had moved the rather extravagant potted plant threatening to muffle the more subtle nuances of pitch. It turned out that these three fabulous ladies were involved with the Emergency Services Panto, a group of very nice people who come together once a year to put on a panto to raise money for the North Northumberland Hospice. A worthy cause well worth sacrificing your dignity and credibility for. Flyte-Tipping has reviewed a number of these, er... productions, and shall let discretion be the better part of valour and draw a tactful veil over wooden acting and terrifying scripts because, hey, it's for charity.
We understood that there had been an acrimonious change of not only author, but director too. This thankfully proved to be more than a vicious rumour. The conversation went something like this:
"So it's finished then?"
"Yep, finished it yesterday. It needs a final edit, but then it's good to go."
"And will Monsieur LeGrand be directing?"
Sharp in-take of breath. "You know him?"
"Hah! Everyone knows him!"
"He'd flirt your granny to death."
"And then shag her."
"But only after shagging the entire female cast of every production he's ever been involved with!"
There was a toxic pause.
"No, the cheating bloody bastard won't be directing."
Flyte-Tipping is vibrating with excitement! We are delighted to share with you our joy in discovering that the Borders has managed to produce its very own am-dram casting couch LOTHARIO!!! The things we simply HAVE to know:
- Has he ever been tempted to purr "ding, dong"?
- Does he advocate the use of Rohypnol?
- Would he ever initiate a riotous romp with Cinderella, the ugly sisters AND the wicked stepmother?
It's like we have our very own Fairy Godmother making all our wishes come true!
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