How to be Rich, Famous and Regularly Laid

Okay, I'm gonna hold my hands up. 

This post is not going to be an eight-step guide to becoming a pornstar.  Becoming a pornstar, I imagine, is relatively straightforward; there is a clear direction of travel, well-documented steps that need to be taken.   No, right from the start of this blog I fess up — this post is a completely cynical ploy to generate blog traffic.

According to blogging help sites, the way to get folk moseying their way across cyberspace to read my rough-hewn prose over that of the sublimly crafted wordsmithery of the better-educated blogger, is to declare my blog a site of knowledge — a veritable pantry of wisdom to which only I hold the key, and where I am the only person tall enough to reach the top shelf and magnanimously distribute erudite crumbs to my famished readers.

In other words, blogs that do well are blogs telling people how to do stuff.

And really, my normal style of blethering on about anything that amuses me or has caught my eye that day, doesn't remotely help anyone.  Unless they were looking for proof that literature is dead. 

I'm realistic about the extent of my influence, and although I seem to have got away with things for the last couple of months, I need to remain fresh, I need to keep my punters coming back for more, turn a few new tricks, which is why I've decided to:

1. Use numbered points. 
2. Apparently numbering points in your posts is a sure-fire way to start a blog stampede.  Forget the Bulls of Pamplona, my friend, the simple act of numerical highlighting guarantees a trample.
3. I also need to become an expert on something, and pretty damn sharpish.  This is tricky.  The only thing on which I have any expertise is blethering (see above).  Something of an own goal, there.  Clearly I will have to champion the maxim of style over substance. 
4. Fancy.  This has turned out to be a blog on How to be Rich, Famous and Regularly Laid afterall.

From now on in, I shall be posting a number of "How to..." posts.  Tomorrow I will be posting the definitive article on "How to Grieve in the 21st Century".   Rest easy.  You can expect numbered points and bite-size chunks, but between you and me it's a big bushy 

for me blethering on about the advisability of allowing the the tattoo to replace the black armband as a traditional show of mourning.

You think I'm kidding?  Better come back tomorrow...