How to Grieve in the 21st Century

Welcome, dear Blog-Reader, to the first in a series of  'How to... According to Chastity Flyte'.  Throughout the series I aim to educate and elucidate, as well as make a lot of stuff up.  But don't worry, you're in good hands, I'm an expert in making stuff up.

Here is an example of me making stuff up.  This is a picture of me:

Me.

Did any of you spot what I did?  That's right, I substituted a picture of Heath Ledger for one of me — in essence passing myself off as a dead Hollywood LEGEND.  Clearly I'm not a dead Hollywood LEGEND. Yes, I made it up.

Now that you know what to expect, let's make a start.

How To Grieve in the 21st Century

1. It's always tricky to know the etiquette involved with regard to the deceased.  When deciding in which direction you want to take your mourning, there are things you might like to consider, the main issue being your closeness to the corpse.
   
   
2. Now, a Mr Keating from Dublin has written to me saying, "Chastity, I don't know what to do, so I don't, to be sure.  How can I tell if I was close to the stiff?  Please help."
   
   First of all, Mr Keating, my darling, stop panicking.  It's quite simple.  Ask yourself this:  Am I consumed with the desire to tattoo my body with  a permanent reminder of the deceased as a public demonstration of how special he/she was to me?  If the answer is 'yes' then obviously you had formed a deep attachment to the dead person and anything less than a tribal bicep cuff would be disrespecting their memory.  If you find yourself wondering how the tattoo would look years down the line on sagging, parchment-like skin, then clearly your relationship with the deceased was shallow and probably a bit two-faced.  There's no shame in admitting this.  Better now, than scarring yourself at a later date with corrective surgery.
   
   
3. The issue of flowers at a funeral can be a minefield.  In recent years there has been a laudable move away from discreet (let's face it, cheap) graveside posies towards more visible floral statements.  What is it you want your flowers to say?  "Mummy" is popular, as is "Top Geezer", both climbing steadily in the Interflora 'Say it With Flowers Because They're Dead and Can't Hear You' chart. 
   
   Whatever you decide, it's important you leave plenty of money aside for enough single-stem carnations to throw at the hearse and successfully obliterate the driver's view.  This is VITAL.  The aim is to slow him down to a hushed crawl thus enabling your sobs — or preferably, keening — to enliven any general wishy-washy and frankly depressing sadness.
4. If you find yourself at any time with moisture in your eye, ask yourself this: "For whom am I crying?" 
   
   A surprisingly large proportion of mourners are actually crying for THEMSELVES at funerals.  In an age of instant photography and internet upload, they recognise a photo-op when they see one.  If you're one of those people who find crying on cue difficult, then don't leave the house without pre-smudging your mascara, sniffing an onion, and affecting a look of tragedy.  You will be amazed at just how far this will carry you — sometimes all the way to the post-burial vol-au-vents.
5. Whatever you do, DO NOT forget to update your Facebook status.  Assuming you've already notified all your pals that you were off to a funeral, you can simply state "[your name] is feeling sad :-(".  Anything more will come across as gushy and insincere.  Remember, you are grieving.  You must give yourself time to work things through and participating in an impromptu game of Mafia Wars may send out the wrong signals.
6. Most of all, relax, enjoy yourself! These events don't come along every day so make the most of it! In these dark days of recession it's a good way of remembering that life goes on!
   

If you have been affected by any of the matters discussed above, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or contact me at flyte.tipping@yahoo.co.uk.