That's not a leading question, by the way. I mean, I may be unreasonable; I hold my hands up that on some occasions I'm quite the SuBo, but generally speaking, on an every day kind of basis, I consider myself to be within the 'normal' range of mental functioning.
So no, actually, I don't think my expectations were too high. I don't think my demands were particularly trying or overly specific.
Perhaps I should have smiled, allowing that the
in the room was a figment of my imagination. But the damn thing was wearing a tutu while balanced on a beach ball juggling flaming torches and trumpeting 'Nelly the Elephant' simultaneously breaking wind. It was glaring. Distracting. A fact so solid in its existence that it attracted matter and bent light around it. A phenomenon for which many baffling explanations were offered except, well... The simplest conclusion was there for all to see but somehow... I don't know. It was if Occam's Razor had been shoved down the back of the settee for the evening with a cushion jammed on top for good measure. No-one was willing to say out loud the forehead-smackingly evident.
Until now...
In the Duns & District Amateur Operatic Society's production of Cinderella, nobody could sing.
Literally. There was an absence of tune; a deficiency of harmonics. It was the vocal equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle. Melodies flew overhead only to mysteriously disappear and re-emerge several bars later shaken, confused and having inexplicably lost time.
Oh, look, I know what it's like putting on a panto. You've got lines to learn, props to find, then dwarves go missing, Prince Charming isn't, yadda-yadda... But Duns & District Amateur Operatic Society — the name is kinda suggestive. There's no denying the whiff of musicality about it. I know, I know! I should take the view that the production was by The Duns & District Amateur Operatic Society. A tiny shift of emphasis to the left, and normality is restored.
Only the rest of the production wasn't at all amateur; it shouldn't have needed to wave the term around like a pre-emptive apology. The acting was good, the costumes pleasingly fresh and glittery, the Ugly Sisters professionally, er, unfortunate of face, the musicians clearly talented; plus there were plenty of opportunities for the kiddies to shriek themselves unconscious.
Yet, dear God, every time the cast broke into song, I broke into hives. Greatest condolences must surely go to Cinderella whose voice, even with a compressor and all the puncture repair kits in the world, has been condemned forever as flat as a
on
Keira Knightley's chest
And to make matters worse, Cinderella's voice carried like a contagion. She passed it on to the girl playing Prince Charming — and you could see it, the look of surprise on her face when she opened her mouth to sing and a dirge came out — then Cinders coughed at Buttons and he went down with it too... One by one, they all fell to her airborne vocal mutation like a scene from Outbreak.
It was 'orrible. The only panto I've ever been to where the audience didn't need any encouragement to sing as long as they could drown out the noise drifting out from the stage.
Still, we're only just at the beginning of panto season and I mustn't be put off. I'll try to put the whole thing BEHIND ME!
Oh yes. I bloody-well will.
9 comments:
Hello Flyte-tipping! Are you reviewing the Maltings Cautionary Christmas Tales live vintage radio show? It opened Wednesday, plays tonight at 8pm and the final performance is tomorrow (Sunday 6) at 5.30pm - link is here http://www.maltingsberwick.co.uk/December/1203_02.html Your thoughts would be very welcome...
Dear Anonymous
Flyte-Tipping must confess to being INTRIGUED by this latest offering - how it would work, how atmosphere could be created. On paper it's a completely fabulous idea in its originality, but whether it delivers...
Sadly, however, here at Flyte-Tipping we need to save our pennies to see Donald Sinden in action later on in the month! Another stroke of genius from the Milester!
Thank you so much for flagging this production up, though. If December wasn't chock full of other theatre goodies, rest assured, we would be there like a shot!
Chastity x
Dear Flyte Tipping.
As a member of the production team for "Cinderella" I would like to thank you for your kind words about the production. The fact that you outlined the very obvious notation that this is an "amateur" society. These people having nothing to be ashamed of as they are NOT (sorry I took inspiration from you) professionals and do NOT have to answer for anything that has been mentioned. The sad fact that you can only bring yourself to have 1 positive paragraph about the show I think is VERY revealing. It was pleasing to see that such an "influential" critic was there. I hope to see you at any other shows that the society puts on and would happily invite you to come and meet these wonderful people who you have no right to judge. After hearing nothing but positive reviews from everybody who went to see the show, your review will be held in high regard.
Thank you and I hope you sleep well with the knowledge that you have nothing else to do but pretend your Simon Cowell (I think not)
Kindest regards
Keira Knightley's Pancakes
Dear Keira Knightley's Pancakes (wish I'd thought of that myself)
The nature of am-dram is such that criticism of a production is frowned upon, much as seal clubbing. I understand how passionately you feel about your society's production of 'Cinderella'. It's hard when you've put in so much effort to hear criticism levelled against you. However, the inescapable truth of the matter is that while the evening as a whole was fun, the singing was weak, and as long as you present yourself as a company with 'Operatic' in its title, you would be naive not to expect to be judged by the quality of the music on offer, amateur or not. Bottom line - you're entertaining a paying audience, not just friends and family.
As a member of the production team, did you genuinely feel there was no room for improvement? Because if so, that smacks of complacency, a reliance on the audience's indulgent goodwill, and to be honest your society is better than that. You shouldn't have needed to reach for the 'amateur' card in the face of criticism. Just because something has the am-dram label doesn't mean it can't be professional. But that's only possible if a company (especially the production team) can take a step back and objectively consider its strengths and weaknesses.
I genuinely look forward to seeing your next production.
Chastity x (aka Simon Cowell's lovechild)
Oh, how I wish I could have been at this performance. Not living even remotely in the vicinity, I consequently now have no idea whether or not you're being fair about the singing, Chastity. I'd love to hear an elephant trumpeting Nelly The Elephant whilst farting.
In response to Anonymous's (aka Keira Knightley's Pancakes)comments, I thought you focusing on the fact that they are an amateur society was a genuine acceptance of their professional-or-otherwise status that let them off the pitch-perfect-hook and not a suggestion that they should be ashamed. You did after all state that 'the rest of the production wasn't at all amateur'. To be honest, if I lived near enough I'd now be more inclined to go to one of their performances just to find out what all the fuss is about. Any publicity, as they say...
I find it a little bizzarre that Keira Knightley's Pancakes thinks you have no right to judge a performance that you went along to review... but still, I never like to see people upset and it's a shame Anonymous was hurt by your comments so I shall cease with my insignificant opinions.
Lady-Laughalot x
Dear Lady-Laughalot
Firstly, thank you for taking the trouble to comment. All are welcome!
As I said, unfavourable comments on am-dram productions are predictably met with howls of protest and cries of "unfair", as if by being amateur they should receive some sort of critical immunity.
The group in question has built, over the years, a VERY good reputation for its musical ability, and they quite rightly traded on this reputation to get bums on seats for 'Cinderella'. I'm sorry to tell you, Lady-Laughalot, but the singing on this occasion was excrutiating, and there were many of the same view.
Perhaps I should have patronized the production and said how wonderful everything was, but how is that helpful? A hard-won reputation is in danger of being lost, so I'm more than happy to bruise a few individual egos in order that they shake off this unwelcome, creeping complancency.
Am-dram deserves better!
Chastity x
Dear Lady-Laughalot
Firstly, thank you for taking the trouble to comment. All are welcome!
As I said, unfavourable comments on am-dram productions are predictably met with howls of protest and cries of "unfair", as if by being amateur they should receive some sort of critical immunity.
The group in question has built, over the years, a VERY good reputation for its musical ability, and they quite rightly traded on this reputation to get bums on seats for 'Cinderella'. I'm sorry to tell you, Lady-Laughalot, but the singing on this occasion was excrutiating, and there were many of the same view.
Perhaps I should have patronized the production and said how wonderful everything was, but how is that helpful? A hard-won reputation is in danger of being lost, so I'm more than happy to bruise a few individual egos in order that they shake off this unwelcome, creeping complancency.
Am-dram deserves better!
Chastity x
Dear Chastity
What is all the fuss about, I was at the show and did enjoy it. If you can do any better why not join this amateur Operatic society and help them out. I have been a member for many years and I think those who criticise should get up on stage and give it a try. It aint that easy.
Yours
Fagan
Dear Fagan
Many thanks for your comment! You're absolutely right - it ain't that easy to get up on stage, and I know because I've trodden my fair share of boards in the past, both acting and singing. It takes commitment, hard work, and courage.
On the part of the production team, it also requires an honest assessment of each performer's strengths and weaknesses, and where he/she can best be deployed. Not everybody has what it takes to be the leading man/lady, not everybody can sing, not everybody has comic timing.
In my experience with am-dram, decisions are often made in favour of the individuals involved and not for what's best for the performance (and the paying public)as a whole. This is down to a conflict of interest between it being a fun social hobby yet needing to be, essentially, a commercial venture.
I love am-dram and the people involved. But for it to really fulfil its potential and shine, producers and directors have to keep their eye on the end result. They have to, ironically, become more professional.
Chastity x
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