When Possession is Nine-Tenths of the Law

It's said that size doesn't matter.  I disagree.  I think size does matter, although maybe not in the way you imagine.  A change of perspective, a switch of aphorism; you need to think small.  Good things come in small packages, right?  So you need to go from this:

 Pandacus Giganticus

To this:

Pandacus Minimalis

So let's talk dirty.  Let's talk apostrophes.

Take my hand and come with me on an apostrophic journey.  Together we will demystify this typographical fleck no bigger than a spider's eyelash that seems to cause so much hand-wringing.  Find out why the apostrophe actually isn't scary, how its sole purpose is to make your life easier.  No other punctuation mark manages to spin so many plates.  Gasp!  at its mastery of the possessive.  Swoon! as it abbreviates with panache.  Cheer! at its good-natured handling of the imperial foot. 

The unsung hero of punctuation, in all places at once, rushing hither and thither selflessy peppering a page with meaning and clarity.

Let's go... apostrophe myth busting.

Exploding Apostrophe Myth #1

"Dear Chastity,

You know how you say apostrophes are, like, essential to have a good understanding of the written word, yeah?  At the end of the day, I find them just a bit too small and f*cking tricky.

Kimberley, from Brentford"

Now hypothetically I receive many letters like this one from poor Kimberley in my postbag.  And here's how I theoretically reply.

"Dear Kimberley

Using an apostrophe isn't tricky at all but to help you appreciate the difference, here is a list of things with a 'small' feel that are quite tricky:

Quite Tricky Small Things 

1. The behaviour of quantum particles;
2. The working of the human body at cellular level;
3. Nanotechnology.

I hope this helps to clarify the situation.

Regards, Chastity" 

Exploding Apostrophe Myth #2

"Dear Flyte-Bitch

Yous just tryin to oppress the masses with your elitist punctuation, innit.  Yous must be a Tory bastard."

Yours in anticipation,

 Shagwolf from Surrey"

"Dear Mr Shagwolf

It would be all too easy for me to reply with a succinct and perfectly formed 'bollocks' (n. pl.) [nb:  no apostrophe. Unless you were stating the 'dog's bollocks', ie. 'the bollocks belonging to the dog' (sing.)]

Knowing and appreciating where best to deploy this most modest of punctuation marks does NOT count as elitism;  it does NOT guarantee a place in government or Who's Who, an unequal distribution of wealth, or the right to censure-free cottaging.  However, Shagwolf, my darling, it will stop you from making a tit of yourself on the News at Ten when waving an anti-capitalism placard outside McDonald's.

I wish you all good things for the future.

Affectionately, Chastity"

Example

St Peter's Lea - the grassy area/field of St Peter

St Peters Lea - a papally approved easy-listening duo from the Seventies

You see how easily confusion can arise?  How helpful the apostrophe is for averting a crisis of meaning and ugly faux-pas?

You may have read about Birmingham City Council's decision to ban the apostrophe from road signs, believing that when witnessed first-hand, the apostrophe will cause road users' brains to detonate thus leaving the Council exposed to claims of compensation and adding substantially to their street cleaning budget (already under strain from prevailing economic conditions).   It's that old classic.  When something isn't understood, it is feared.

Exploding Apostrophe Myth #3

"Dear Chastity

I think you need to recognise that English is an ever-evolving language, that the decline of the apostrophe is merely a price to inevitably pay for our mother tongue having such wonderful richness and flexibility.

Babs, from Carlisle"

"Dear Barbara

I think in all your excitement you overlooked a split infinitive.  Fret not, for I am not the sort of person to let sloppy grammar cloud my opinion of your right to comment. 

I should point out that I love a good neologism as much as the next person, and I agree — English is always in a state of developmental flux.  Not surprising really, first invaded by the Romans, then the Jutes, Angles, Saxons, Danes, French... over the centuries the English language has pretty much been gang-banged by the whole of Europe.   Goodness, with so much linguistic activity happening on the wrong side of the covers, it's only to be expected that modern English consists largely of bastard children.

However, the apostrophe's decline doesn't seem to be a part of a natural embracing and discarding of vocabulary.  We still need clarity of meaning after all.  No, I feel its fall from favour hinges on the fact that a wee bit of effort is required to bring it to heel, and that a recessive gene of can't-be-arsediness stowed away on the first Gallic shrug to come ashore in 1066.

You might do well to examine your family tree, Barbara, my dear.

Yours sincerely, Chastity"

So come on, people!  Let's pull together and make an effort to squash the lazy Frenchman inside us all.  Open your heart to the apostrophe and welcome it back into your life as the best punctuation friend you're ever likely to have.